Slightly turnt, mostly chill, always ready.

Double Life

Note - this was originally written 3/10/2019

Being the child of an immigrant forces you to live a double life. Never quite feeling 100% in either country. One foot in, what foot out.

Recently I went to the Dominican Republic to see my father's grave on what was the 10yr anniversary of his death. It wasn't as dramatic of a scene as I expected it to be. I cried. I talked to him. I left the cemetery in peace. Mission accomplished.

What I didn't expect to feel was this massive emptiness when I left my family. I've never resisted leaving a place as much as I did this morning. Parts of me were filled with gratitude that I was able to afford to make the trip, that I have a great life in America, the land of opportunities! The other part of me had so many regrets for not coming back to sooner, for not living there with my mom and dad, for avoiding a place that represents so much happiness and pain at once.

I have family everywhere. People who love on me regardless of any blood relations. I mean that is family after all right?

And it's always hard to leave them but fuck this last trip was HARD. I just wanted to wrap them all up in a box and keep them with me always. To protect them. To feel protected. To feel at peace. To not feel lonely. I know they are always with me but it's a longing I haven't felt In years.

Im waiting for the last leg of my flight and I don't want to get on the plane. I'm obviously going to but it feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Maybe this is what people mean when they say they feel lonely not alone. JM.